Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Sweet Moment

I was driving the other day and just had one of those "God moments". You know, times when you get this overwhelming feeling of his presence and I was oh so grateful for it. Let me explain...

As I was driving home from dropping Avery off at my mom's, I looked in the rear view mirror at her empty car seat. Ahhh, such a quiet place now that she is gone... Anyway, I had a flashback to being in high school and remembering all the things that took place in my back seat, or someone else's. Now, most I'm not proud of and will spare you the details of those moments, but other's were fun and innocent. I remember being piled into Joe Venn's SUV with a group of people, and Candace and I "dancing" and acting a fool, on our way to a basketball game. I remember my spring break trip to Florida, with Candace, her sister and friend all in my car, and the idiotic stuff we pulled that vacation. I remember proms, other vacations, and other crazy moments spent in the car and I realize how different things are now! Instead of soda cans and fast-food bags (though I still might have one of those occasionally. I can't help myself!), I've got sippy cups and animal crackers. Instead of school books and homework, I now have children's books and etch-a-sketch.

It's a BIG change, one that I am happy and thankful for in many ways. Gone are the days of me-centered living and thinking. I now have a family; responsibilities. I'm not gonna lie, being an adult sucks. But it's a change that I am learning to really love and appreciate. I can't imagine my life any different. I'd trade those irresponsible moments of younger days for one minute of laughter from Avery, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the back seat, any time.

It even more amazes me that had I not had that miscarriage, Avery wouldn't even be here. All that pain and suffering, hurt and loneliness...all for her. God's plan is something larger and bigger than we can imagine. He can use the worst of situations for good; in his time. I'm just glad he did with us!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Waiting for Baby

I don't really have much to say today or recently... I've just been really anxious about having this baby. I'm ready and waiting. I found out yesterday that he is in fact breech, which is really worrying me. I know it's not a big deal but the thought of having a c-section is frightening to me. I think it's the fear of it all; the unknown. Plus, I just have this vision of a scar on my stomach that makes me have a bulgy non-flat stomach. Like those contestants on the Biggest Loser who have surgery and afterwards they just have this huge indent where the scar was and then all this fat that sort of caves inward. Gross. I also watched a c-section when I worked at the hospital and it's frightening to me! The tiniest incision is made then all these retractors are put in with people pulling hard. The thought of being conscious whilst I'm being cut open is also not so appealing, regardless of the spinal. I just hope he turns on his own and I don't need to have the version to move him.
Thankfully my mom came over yesterday to help me get some cleaning and organization done. I just haven't felt like doing much of anything lately and it was awesome that she helped out. We went through about 8 huge tubs of Avery's clothes that she had outgrown and filled an industrial garbage bag full of ones to donate. We also got out all the baby stuff for the new baby...bath tub, car seat, swing; with it all set up now, it makes me feel like he'll be here any minute.
I've decided to get rid of our dog Lexa too. I hate to do it...I love her so much and she's my dog. I love how great of a cuddler she is, how she loves to play fetch, and how much joy she brings Avery. But, she hasn't been doing well (come to think of it, she's pretty much been this way since we got her) with going potty outside. There are so many times that she pees on the floor and I just can't handle it any more. The stress is making me crazy! I'm very serious about having a mental breakdown, especially with the added stress of a new baby, and I don't want to hurt myself, the dogs, or the kids. So, I think the best thing is for us to find a new home for her. I put a listing out on petfinder, and at the end of the 2 wk listing, if she doesn't have a new home, we are going to take her to the humane society (no kill). I cry every time I think about it. I hate to say goodbye; like I'm giving up. But I just have to think about my sanity and the safety of my family. Ugh. I hate it.
In the mean time, hopefully I can get rested and relaxed before our new baby comes. We still have absolutely NO idea of a name so that's my homework for now!